tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-117581972024-03-13T13:47:35.148-05:00Half-ThoughtsFreudian Gaffes, Rants, Embarrassing Self-ImplicationsJoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.comBlogger179125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-18049043181331981472010-06-28T11:35:00.004-05:002010-06-28T13:27:07.835-05:00I Crap Bigger'n YouI keep getting struck by how much of an odious fuck is Jeffrey Goldberg. Glenn Greenwald <a href="http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2010/06/27/goldberg/index.html">dismantles</a> his entire journalistic career - enthusiastic stenography in the run-up to Iraq (and since then) as well as vicious, IDF-protecting nonsense - and Goldberg <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2010/06/an-invitation-for-glenn-greenwald/58826/">responds</a> by kicking the ball across the field and talking about how Greenwald has never been to Kurdistan. What this is meant to prove is that even if all of the reasons listed for going into Iraq were wrong, we were still right to go because Hussein was a genocidal maniac (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augusto_Pinochet">as</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_War#US_involvement">if</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suharto">that's</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohammad-Rez%C4%81_Sh%C4%81h_Pahlavi">ever</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_support_for_Iraq_during_the_Iran%E2%80%93Iraq_war">been</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anwar_El_Sadat">a</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Saud">priority </a>for American military intervention), even though it's a red herring. Of course, it's also saying Greenwald can't possibly be right because he's never been to Iraq or Kurdistan, which is, of course, why we always judge someone's rightness or wrongness based on their physical proximity to the event in question. It's a juvenile debate tactic, akin to whipping out one's dick and a tape measure. Only, to extend an-already-strained metaphor, it's in response to Greenwald saying Goldberg's hat doesn't fit.JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-25184517094721206652010-06-23T20:53:00.006-05:002010-06-23T22:44:48.495-05:00Shorter PowerlineTHE FACT THAT THERE IS NO MENTION OF SHARIA LAW IN <a href="http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2010/06/026594.php">THIS REPORT</a> PROVES THAT THERE IS IN FACT SHARIA LAW IN DEARBORN MICHIGAN BECAUSE IF THERE WAS SHARIA LAW THEY'D BE TOO AFRAID TO SAY IT BECAUSE BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA IS A MOSLEM AND IS USING CHICAGO THUGS TO ENFORCE SHARIA LAW<br /><blockquote><blockquote> <p>"Police in the heavily Arab Detroit suburb of Dearborn say they arrested four Christian missionaries for disorderly conduct at an Arab cultural festival.</p> <p>Police Chief Ron Haddad says his department made the arrests Friday. The four are free on bond."</p> </blockquote></blockquote>That's the entirety of the article quoted by Powerline. Of course, to them, Muslims handing out copies of the Koran at the entrance to a church festival would be yet further proof of creeping Islamism. But, this is feeling pretty thin to me, mostly because I cherry-picked some stupid bullshit, so here's a picture of an angry God.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJrFk8KA1cmmmZra-6v2YRtCURm9XjeniE-hJIbjxfRjyho5_Ixt6XVAK-mDjUhJ5TEIgsJrZdq7aRpE74MThjxYJSVuYJlSzKhUgt4jtAIafNbawwjqHnmsChaCnwZ2oFNF4v-A/s1600/GOD.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 232px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJrFk8KA1cmmmZra-6v2YRtCURm9XjeniE-hJIbjxfRjyho5_Ixt6XVAK-mDjUhJ5TEIgsJrZdq7aRpE74MThjxYJSVuYJlSzKhUgt4jtAIafNbawwjqHnmsChaCnwZ2oFNF4v-A/s400/GOD.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5486157510658254274" border="0" /></a>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-33441236751052975892010-06-23T09:32:00.004-05:002010-06-23T14:43:58.586-05:00Minerals Management and Mental MidgetsBecause they have no interest in nuance, many conservatives are arguing that issuing a blanket moratorium on drilling at depths greater than 500 feet is exactly like grounding all airplanes because one crashed. For the benefit of all, I will show how an actual analogy works: If it turns out an airplane crashed because of a failed sprocket, and it turns out that sprocket had never been safety tested because the safety regulations in the industry had been thoroughly gutted, and further, it was likely that most other airplanes had similar sprockets that had never been safety-tested, you're god damn right the government would ground all of those airplanes pending inspections, or else it would be criminally negligent. (Also, if a judge who owned stock in a few airlines struck down the order grounding all of those planes and you defend him by saying a lot of people own stock in airlines, you're not exactly disproving a serious conflict of interest)<br /><br />Basically, what people like this <a href="http://rightwingnews.com/2010/06/judge-who-struck-down-pebo-drilling-ban-owns-oil-stock-liberal-freakout-ensues/">numbnuts</a> are saying is that even if all of these rigs went up at a time when the regulatory body was so completely corrupted as to be made into a <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/06/22/incoming-oil-oversight-director-leaving-firm-slapped-discrimination-suits/">cheerleading organization for the industry</a>, it doesn't matter if they're safe or not because they're grandfathered in and there's nothing you can do about it so nyah nyah. Which makes about as much sense as saying, "You can't prosecute me for murder! I paid off that cop to keep it quiet!"JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-52308395505215032642010-06-19T15:21:00.009-05:002010-06-23T11:03:28.108-05:00Mark Steyn's Gonna Kick Down A Little Thing to You...That Mort Zuckerman kicked down to him.<br /><br />Shorter Steyn:<br /><br /><a href="http://tiny.cc/pq6mx">"You put strawman in my bandwagon!"</a><br /><br />He goes on to say, "The question is whether these 'influential people' are sufficiently chastened to examine in any meaningful way which of their own biases caused them to think a community organizer with no executive experience and more memoirs than accomplishments was just what the world's superpower needed."<br /><br />Also: "Sarah Palin <span style="font-style: italic;">fap fap fap fap fap"</span>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-84863311708387328632010-06-09T23:31:00.004-05:002010-06-10T09:36:16.693-05:00My Much Belated Tribute to Jon SwiftJon Swift passed away a few months ago, and one of his funniest posts was on his numerous <a href="http://jonswift.blogspot.com/2006/11/jon-swifts-complete-amazon-reviews.html">Amazon Reviews</a> that were mostly scrubbed from the site because they were satirical.<br /><br />Because I had looked at a few books by W. Cleon Skousen* just to make sure the man was as crazy as I thought, I came across <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0880800011/ref=cm_cr_thx_view">Andrew Allison's hilariously scrubbed entry</a> on Ben Franklin for the Center of National Constitutional Studies, which seeks to make secular saints of the founding fathers, completely scrubbing their bios of any "progressive" leanings or moral failings. After looking at a few of the real reviews, I couldn't resist writing my own Jon Swift review. Here it is, for I'm sure it won't last long:<br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I have not actually read this book but it's clear that Mr. Allison is a Great American who knows that our Founding Fathers were America's Patron Saints because like the Saints what they did was miraculous and unpopular and now with the benefit of hindsight we can truly see that they were not products of their time but right-thinking individuals who knew slavery had to be protected at the time or else America would have folded and We the People would be speaking chinese now. </span> <span style="font-family:times new roman;">As a conservative, I am truly disappointed in people who want to paint Mr. Franklin as a pervert because it is clear he was a Great Man and True Great Men are never beset by immoral behavior because they dedicate all of their actions in Jesus' Name. Mr. Franklin would have been an Apostle and its really disappointing to hear liberals tear him down and accuse him of ABHORRENT behavior. Here's what I want to say to liberals -- before you make accusations against Mr. Franklin, remember he has descendants who are still living and would be very hurt to hear your namecalling. And also, READ A BOOK ABOUT HIM before you make any more insinuations. Seriously.<br /><br /><br /><br />*This post is actually edited from the comment, as I absentmindedly credited Skousen for the book. The comment, should it appear, is unedited in all of its embarrassingly mistakenly-attributed glory.<br /></span>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-34309305739648934642009-11-17T09:26:00.004-06:002009-11-17T12:29:51.675-06:00Cat post!!!!Today, as I rose, my twenty-seven year old tabby, Pythagorus, looked up to me as if to say, 'Good morning, sir!' I snapped a picture for my felow feline enf(!)usiasts.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWXiyaSwC4Nd8jwnfHpoxO8-pQlOF0VjRdLLZy3hDReEH3tJRvin1g8f2zRn3NyAmBu5IjwXZwYOt1jHiDFwCp5OfiVzt9WauiAjEdlApJ4gWtCxcGT9kzH9Iede4eo9I6smJQFg/s1600/cat.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5405095045987548434" style="WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWXiyaSwC4Nd8jwnfHpoxO8-pQlOF0VjRdLLZy3hDReEH3tJRvin1g8f2zRn3NyAmBu5IjwXZwYOt1jHiDFwCp5OfiVzt9WauiAjEdlApJ4gWtCxcGT9kzH9Iede4eo9I6smJQFg/s320/cat.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-84012039282236409922009-11-13T21:11:00.006-06:002009-11-17T09:25:56.534-06:00To my friend Sam...*...seated on a stoop at some bar in South Carolina. The scene is heavy with people of poor repute. A man with a bloated gullet drinks bourbon from a tiny bottle. College boys call an older lady with a back tattoo a project, a mountain to be mounted. The older lady calls them boys. In the dark corner of the bar, men with thin mustaches sit cross-legged. They bid bad wishes to another lost week. From the rafters hang Chinese lanterns, because a planner with a taste in gauche things thought it would look good with the Italian movie posters on the walls.<br /><br />Far off friends are drinking vodka tonics in colder weather, complaining about the price of pre-school these days. Friends across the table raise another shot of Wild Turkey. Loosened by booze, one of them plans to take home the foam-board portrait of a beautiful woman in a Santa suit featured prominently at the front of the bar.<br /><br />This city, a bastion of some lost form of politics, some ghastly, be-wigged Toryism, sits idly by Charleston harbor. An opalescent moon dances drunkenly in the water. Wheels clutter over cobblestone roads. Horns blow hoarsely at a city carriage that has lost its driver. It careens off the curb in front of the cantilevered bar that sits seemingly lower than its neighbors, sinking towards the street.<br /><br />To Micronesia! someone shouts loudly, and the sound carries out and dies off in the myth-like night.<br /><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">*Written in the most florid, cringe-inducing prose possible</span>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-9349249194374934892009-05-04T23:24:00.002-05:002009-05-04T23:37:48.108-05:00WolverineThe best thing about the Wolverine movie is that it won't <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=2&q=http://www.slate.com/id/2195523/&ei=TMD_SeDgE5eWswOQpOD9BQ&usg=AFQjCNFaj4YjGcKihidl6WOCt2LYUB9rLA">inspire</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=4&q=http://undcr.com/%3Fp%3D230&ei=TMD_SeDgE5eWswOQpOD9BQ&usg=AFQjCNEom1dqgI2iXMREgdSEfQcD2mangA">an</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=8&q=http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/933151/is_the_dark_knight_a_tribute_to_bushs.html&ei=TMD_SeDgE5eWswOQpOD9BQ&usg=AFQjCNGJTmeGi7_1kC5Pad-nUEs_MrFYCw">interminable</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=12&q=http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/jul/18/gotham-citys-war-on-terror/&ei=mcD_SfyVLJvGtAOP8Pj1BQ&usg=AFQjCNGcmHc7vhzsiXtud88vi8q_wc9W7Q">discussion</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=13&q=http://theboard.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/21/batman-and-the-war-on-terror/&ei=mcD_SfyVLJvGtAOP8Pj1BQ&usg=AFQjCNFd8BiqduI9-3gbz-GiLxpX0vbUNQ">of</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=14&q=http://thinkprogress.org/2008/08/06/beck-batman-vindicates-bushs-conservative-values-on-the-war-on-terror/&ei=mcD_SfyVLJvGtAOP8Pj1BQ&usg=AFQjCNHqiMQ6qWbH2evANpYVM8e1tIQ-Aw">how</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=21&q=http://www.nplusonemag.com/dark-knight&ei=G8H_Sb2pI6fitAPAgbHuBQ&usg=AFQjCNFGgyB9RM4dwVPfV7GETQYl4RtV3Q">it's</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=22&q=http://pajamasmedia.com/blog/the-dark-knight-not-just-another-superhero-movie/&ei=G8H_Sb2pI6fitAPAgbHuBQ&usg=AFQjCNGW9mQYcxZTe90atFuPB2681lYW2Q">a</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=27&q=http://blogs.chron.com/texassparkle/2008/07/the_dark_knight_and_the_wot.html&ei=G8H_Sb2pI6fitAPAgbHuBQ&usg=AFQjCNHlyxz3ErOw5I2Dq-BgeJjswaADCg">parable</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=29&q=http://www.floppingaces.net/2008/08/17/is-w-the-signal-for-the-dark-knight/&ei=G8H_Sb2pI6fitAPAgbHuBQ&usg=AFQjCNGZ-jFyyeJCbLSES25csxg09GpRBg">for</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=34&q=http://conservativehome.blogs.com/centreright/2008/07/bush-the-dark-k.html&ei=YsH_SY6kFpaSswO-qsz4BQ&usg=AFQjCNFHqF1T6HVb0VZ6zHhYSVxLTYfF9Q">the</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=47&q=http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/the_big_picture/2008/07/the-dark-knight.html&ei=OML_SYaUOaXmtgPj7vH4BQ&usg=AFQjCNHg5QZrmqkpEq_rBsRqEbEofDLTbw">fucking</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=55&q=http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/07/the-politics-of-the-dark-knigh.php&ei=XML_ScX3NonstAPqlbX5BQ&usg=AFQjCNHKrUbEiAhJOGVN_cB_Jp5Fn-7vDQ">war</a> <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=60&q=http://io9.com/5062230/what-movie-will-be-the-next-dark-knight&ei=XML_ScX3NonstAPqlbX5BQ&usg=AFQjCNEqt-tUdTKh80f2UmNbzQJz34U46w">on</a> <a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.chickswithdicks.com">terror</a>.JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-64454476587762248602009-01-06T15:04:00.004-06:002009-01-06T15:08:47.630-06:00How to accept/encourage a romantic advance<div>If you are the recipient of a romantic advance that you would like to accept or encourage, follow the directions below for the best results.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>1. After the advance has been made, display the hand gesture pictured below.</div><br /><div></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyhJhUQn2_Bqs-N0d_Q7XLm1fo_2sYD7OZbd50GeWZv20uj8vQXYK05myuPPUaHXBsiujM0538ltGX6Q3BJU9RqEYM4q3zulRlAUAcpKAWNEINHeFwH6LbX7ZFTMlXa1Scj51O/s1600-h/hithere.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288290112333994514" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 168px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyhJhUQn2_Bqs-N0d_Q7XLm1fo_2sYD7OZbd50GeWZv20uj8vQXYK05myuPPUaHXBsiujM0538ltGX6Q3BJU9RqEYM4q3zulRlAUAcpKAWNEINHeFwH6LbX7ZFTMlXa1Scj51O/s200/hithere.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />2. In a sultry voice say, "Don't I know you from somewhere? Have you ever been to Chicago?"Tyleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05689593730059804031noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-66670725769793851332009-01-05T17:40:00.003-06:002009-01-05T17:59:08.414-06:00Dumbest Thing I Have Read TodayFrom Barstool Sports, which you may know for its casual misogyny or its obnoxious Boston homerism, but whatever:<br /><br /><strong>"I love the the chick who says she has an open mind, but seeing a guy standing on a snowboard that has a picture of a hot chick on it is offensive. Yeah wicked open minded."</strong><br /><br />The story in question is of a snowboard manufacturer who has a new "Playboy" line that features pictures of naked women posing in such a way to hide their naughty bits. I'm not linking because, fuck it.<br /><br />I just had the burning need to point out that someone thinks that the douche bag on the snowboard with a naked chick on it is striking a blow for open-mindedness. Retard points for the wicked.<br /><br />This is a site that also has a running feature titled "Guess That Ass". So why bother, you ask? Because look at that quote. Just look at it. It is someone poorly applying logic to a thoroughly inane story because it outraged him to the point that he needed to register his disdain in the most hilariously obtuse way possible. It's the sort of person who earnestly says, "What's with these fucking skanks who turn me down all the time?"JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-29220588461691403702008-12-29T16:34:00.006-06:002008-12-29T16:40:10.408-06:00Unwanted AdvancesFor anyone wondering how to deflect unwanted advances:<br /><br /><br /><br />1. Raise your hand in the manner depicted below.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghTMBFG3EtwVZgR8CWgvPbOVhD_NI75wpsyyZCPmYyjexB9W4ccWwMCNLz_OSFCVUFdEQfmeyq9lTpFxYZ7ei4Ujyywib8wLX1G-9BTb6NAWva0ILlt8E8pMHkJhwy0Lc3Zvfz/s1600-h/stop.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285344961762416002" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 141px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghTMBFG3EtwVZgR8CWgvPbOVhD_NI75wpsyyZCPmYyjexB9W4ccWwMCNLz_OSFCVUFdEQfmeyq9lTpFxYZ7ei4Ujyywib8wLX1G-9BTb6NAWva0ILlt8E8pMHkJhwy0Lc3Zvfz/s200/stop.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />2. In a loud voice, say, "No, thank you."Tyleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05689593730059804031noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-28716083508988535022008-12-24T12:50:00.003-06:002008-12-24T12:58:02.975-06:0030 or so songs for 2008A note: This is not my top songs or whatever. But it really sort of is. Only, instead of the Richard Swift song I have here, I wanted "Lady Luck." Go find that song somewhere now and listen to it and pretend to have heard it from this playlist first instead. Do the same for My Time Outside the Womb by Titus Andronicus.<br /><br />Playlist also didn't have these songs:<br /><br />Mr. Scruff: Donkey Ride<br />Gentleman Jesse: Black Hole<br />The Rosebuds: Bow to the Middle<br />Blood on the Wall: Rize<br />Man Man: Rabbit Habits<br /><br />A final note: If you have the disorder where you taste what you hear, you are so very lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky.<br /><br />Also, in my continuing quest to find the perfect song for drinking alone and then wandering around a city, the Walkmen's "Canadian Girl" may have taken it. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center; margin-left: auto; visibility:visible; margin-right: auto; width:450px;"><embed style="width:435px; visibility:visible; height:270px;" allowScriptAccess="never" src="http://www.myplaylist.org/mc/mp3player-othersite.swf?config=http://www.myplaylist.org/mc/config/config_regular_noautostart.xml&mywidth=435&myheight=270&playlist_url=http://www.myplaylist.org/loadplaylist.php?playlist=55918886" menu="false" quality="high" width="435" height="270" name="mp3player" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" border="0"/></embed><BR><a href=http://www.myplaylist.org><img src=http://www.myplaylist.org/mc/images/create_regular.jpg border=0></a><a href=http://www.myplaylist.org/standalone/55918886 target=_blank><img src=http://www.myplaylist.org/mc/images/launch_regular.jpg border=0></a><a href=http://www.myplaylist.org/download/55918886><img src=http://www.myplaylist.org/mc/images/get_regular.jpg border=0></a> </div>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-59828578543453924862008-12-24T10:38:00.003-06:002008-12-24T11:08:18.963-06:00Christmas-related PostHappy Thismas, Jack Benny-style<br /><br /><strong>Part 1</strong><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OBqwBb9W6Fc&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OBqwBb9W6Fc&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><strong>Part 2</strong><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/j5Kkyns3TK4&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/j5Kkyns3TK4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I marvel at the comic timing of this sketch, which, mostly in one long shot, is just as much of an accomplishment as the <a href="http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/07/scorseses-track.html">tracking shot in Goodfellas</a>. Like most comedy shows at the time, it has the pacing and stage action of a play, which I have always loved. The audience's squealing response to Mel Blanc's increasingly bedraggled salesman is equally delightful. This also gets points for having perhaps the darkest ending of any Christmas special I've ever seen.JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-13014439945282861602008-12-23T13:55:00.008-06:002008-12-24T00:48:47.608-06:00Congratulations to "What Would You Do If You Were President?" Half-Thoughts Contest Winner: Anthony Hamilton, 16, Eagle Ridge, COFour months ago, in the heat of a historic presidential race, Half Thoughts opened up a contest for high school students (and ASPIRING POLITICIANS???) across the nation to write an essay about what they would change as president. Thirty-seven applications and many sleepless nights later, WE HAVE A WINNER! Congratulations to Anthoney Hamilton of Eagle Ridge, Colorado. Two of three Half-Thoughts bloggers were impressed enough with Anthony's 500-word essay that they didn't feel the need to read the thirty-two (32) remaining essays. See below to read Anthony's 500-word essay, and congratulations to him on his prize, a $15 gift certificate to iTunes - don't (or on second thought, do!) spend it all in one place!!!<br /><br /><em>Before Anthony's essay, a word on our methodology: Half Thoughts, a St. Louis-based think tank with outposts in Laramie, WY and Knoxville, TN, was mandated by court authorities to take part in a public works project as punishment for running a somewhat successful timeshare Ponzi scheme. We are herein required to offer an official apology to the town of Branson, MO, and Hank Williams III in particular for involving them, unwittingly, in a criminal enterprise. </em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Of my own accord, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to <strong>Tyles</strong>' wife and family, as well, for his multiple convictions and his five year mandatory minimum sentence that I am arguably responsible for. I would also like to point out to them that I did not escape the situation unscathed - my credit rating took an inestimable hit, I've had to register all of my aliases on an FBI watchlist, and I cannot apply for a job at a federal credit union for the rest of my life (not to mention the 500 hours of community service!).</em><br /><br /><em>In July of 2008, the two remaining (unincarcerated) Half Thoughts bloggers submitted to the Twenty-First Judicial Circuit of the State of Missouri and the Honourable Walter Staples our plan for a community service project that would fulfill the obligations of the court's ruling and take advantage of our medium, the zeitgeist, and our peculiar talents. The plan was to open up a 500-word essay competition to high school students across the country who would answer what they would change if they were president. E-mails to guidance counselors were sent, parole officers were consulted, and four months later, we yielded thirty-seven responses! </em><br /><br /><em>Our methodology in the review process was as follows: Ashby would scan for the following disqualifying buzzwords - socialism, redistribution, change, "end the war in", "the poor", torture, check, balance, "pursue indictments", Guantanamo, "was really behind 9/11", and diplomacy. Then, it was up to me to actually read for content. I ignored such typical indicators as presentation, organization & development, and thesis and instead focused on if the writer had that intangible "it" quality. Anthony had it in spades - he says he loves this country more than anyone else ever, frequently tells on classmates who misbehave, leads the pledge of allegiance every morning and writes down the names of students who don't say it aloud, often thinks about military service, frequently reflects on 9/11, and never trick-or-treated because he doesn't believe in begging. He knows that change happens when it's ready to happen, and that it's socially dangerous to try to force it. As the son of a successful small business owner, he is disgusted by Americans who profess disappointment with the country. "They should live in Baghdad, and then tell me how bad it is here," he said in his cover letter.</em> <em>"If the slaves could talk today, they'd say thank God they were brought here, because they could see how bountiful are the lives of their children."</em><br /><br />Here is Antonin's essay. We offer him <em>our</em> most sincere congratulations.<br /><em></em><br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-family:courier new;">My Dad Is An American Hero</span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:courier new;">By: Anthony Hamlton</span></div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Courier New;"></span></div><span style="font-family:courier new;">The tyrannical code of equality shrouds us in darkness. Man's rapacious intellect provides him with the capacity to pursue his own happiness, he need be reliant on nothing but his own ability. Take, for instance, my father. He pays so much taxes that it is amazing that his business hasn't failed. His business involves for instance selling sports wares, leasing ATVS, and to rent tennis equipment. Barack Obama would make my dad even more taxes to help poor people who don't work as hard as my dad. It is also hard because he has to pay high minimum wages to people who also don't work as hard as he does. This makes it hard to be competitive, and when business doesn't compete, it is communist. My grandpa didn't fight the japanese to become a communist. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;">As president I would cut taxes to people like my dad, who deserve more money. My dad is a hard working man who would help the economy if he made more money. Since most people are in small businesses like my dad, most people would help the economy too if I cut taxdes. But I wouldn't cut taxes for everybody because they woudln't help the economy so much because they don't make enough money. People who don't make enough money should get any breaks becuase like my dad says if you work hard in America you'll do fine. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;">As presidnet I would help the enviornment by cutting carbon emissions by making everyone walk to work, including liberals who think everyone should walk to work except for them. Liberals complain a lot because they are lazy and think government should work for them when they should work for themself. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;">As President I would win our wars by bombing more. Every day people say why don't we win Iraq I say because we don't bomb enough. If we bomb m ore we wouldn't lose anymore troops because they would leave the cities before we bomb them. After we bomb them they will be safe for democracy. Even though Iraqis act like they don't want democracy now, they'll be happy for democracy, liek slaves were happy to be in America after they came to America.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;">As President I would help healthcare and education by putting them on the market. My dad says people who can afford healthcare and education should get good helathcare and education, and people who can't afford it should be punished. I think if people are punished for not having enough money, they will get themselves more money to afford healthcare and education. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;">As president I would not let gays get marryed. If gays get married that means my family won't mean as much to me, because then EVERYbody could have a family. And if families don't mean as much to me, then that means family doesn't mean as much to anyone, and if family doesn't mean as much to anyone, then families will break apart and we can't have an ecnomy if we don't have families. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;">In concluding, I think I would make America a better place as president. Small businesses would do well, families would help the economy, everybody would get healthcare and education, we would win our wars and then we would tell countries to do what we say is good because I would show that America is good. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;"></span>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-12888816959562895142008-12-20T14:37:00.004-06:002008-12-22T23:14:08.332-06:00Holidays Created by Start-up Religions to Compete With ChristmasAmerica is as known for its many Christianities as it is its democracy. But did you know we have religions besides our various Christianities that believe more or less the same thing but still somehow resent each other? It's true! The most famous example is "Mormonism," whose followers believe in the divinity of Jesus but any real Christian will tell you that this in itself is not proof of Christianity so much as a cynical conceit. Mormonism was founded by an albino gadabout named Joseph Smith (of the Vermont Smiths), who, like most other religion founders, used little boys as fucktoys and little girls as cannon fodder. He was a sick, sick, enterprising, brilliant man. Besides founding the tabernacle choir - a collection of eunuchs from the vast expanses of Michigan who are known for both their angelic voices and their craven subservience - Smith is perhaps best known for creating a holiday to rival Christmas. Instead of celebrating December 25th as the birth of the lord, Smith has his followers celebrate on January 8, or the day that Jesus first set foot in America. Instead of exchanging gifts, Mormon families would bake loaves of white bread and craft effigies of indians and bash their skulls in. Then, the pan-flute contests. Always with the pan-flutes.<br /><br /><strong>But we have other religions, TAX EXEMPT and myriad as the seas!</strong><br /><br /><strong>Autobotonism</strong><br />Founded by Henry Ford, the Autobots believe that inside every car lurks a machine man who will reveal himself and will have a specialized power according to his model. Ambulances will be healers, semi cabs for some reason will say everything melodramatically, and Porsches will be jive-talking minstrel-type figures. In 1964, a contingent of Autobots sought to force the man out of the machine by taking sleeping pills and driving toward a cliff, necessitating life-saving action on the part of these robots-in-disguise. There were no survivors.<br /><br /><em>Optimus Primas</em><br />The Autobots celebrated the holiday on December 25. Families would gather in the garage on the evening of December 24 to sleep, leaving the car on in belief (according to Ford's prophecy) that the robot-men would come to life over-night.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Sean Penn</strong><br />In 1986, Sean Penn created a religion with the expressed intent that only he would follow it. Over twenty years later, this secretive religion (some say it started as a practical joke and became something much more... devotional) is apparently still going strong. Religious rights activists say that if you were at all familiar with Sean Penn's religion, Penn's antisocial behavior would seem totally understandable, even banal.<br /><br /><em>Pennmas</em><br />Little is known about Pennmas, but we do know it exists, and that it holds a very special meaning to Sean Penn.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Six Sigma</strong><br />Designed to improve manufacturing processes and eliminate defects, Six Sigma started as a management technique at Motorola and was quickly adapted by other companies. It is not surprising that six MBA students at Marquette University tried to adapt it into a religion. Nor is it surprising that interest in the efficiency-worshipping religion waned almost as quickly as it was established. Or that the six students were summarily convicted of tax fraud.<br /><br /><em>Six Sigma Days of Christmas</em><br />Always taking place immediately after finals week at Marquette, the Six Sigma Days of Christmas were really just an excuse to gather around a laptop computer to drink beer and watch Internet pornography.<br /><br /><strong>The Catholic League</strong><br />Catholic League President William Donahue, disgusted with the ongoing commercialisation of Christmas, decided to make a separate and distinct Christmas, free of pagan Christmas trees and Christ-obscuring presents.<br /><p><em>Christmas</em></p><p>Catholic members celebrate Christmas by telling their family members who still celebrate Christmas that they are destroying Christmas. It is a time honored tradition for them to respond to a wish of happy holidays by saying, "Fuck you." </p><p><strong>The Universal Incrementalists</strong></p><p>This tedious time-worshipping religion has enjoyed varying levels of popularity for more than four decades, after it was founded by music journalists who believed Bob Dylan when he, in a typical bit of methamphetamine-fueled press-baiting, said he was a Universal Incrementalist. When pressed by a member of the press corps to explain Universal Incrementalism, Dylan ignored the question, re-lit his cigarette, and pulled out a giant novelty boxing glove. The reporters laughed, one by one, desperate to fit in. </p><p><em>The Planeternational Be-In</em></p><p>Joined by a game Allen Ginsberg, music journalists celebrated their most successful Planeternational Be-In in 1971 at a HoJo in Dublin, Ohio. At that Be-In, they started the tradition of proclaiming rock and roll irrelevant and insisting that they admired country music's sincerity. </p>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-74870723202474162102008-12-19T16:23:00.002-06:002008-12-19T16:29:23.447-06:00Anecdote!At parties, I am often approached by drunk friends of friends who know nothing about me other than my name who then nod at me, nod at a girl across the room whom I've never talked to, and say, "I'm gonna get you laid tonight." As far as I can tell, they're almost always single themselves.<br /><br />Then, when she gathers her coat fifteen minutes later and leaves, they'll shoot me a look from across the room, shrug, and say, "Sorry, man."<br /><br />It's true!JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-64818976506554258212008-12-09T10:53:00.004-06:002008-12-11T17:07:20.907-06:00Don't Be Shy!Shyness is a personal flaw, just as shameful as clown masturbation or as harmful as spying on your neighbors with a telescope and microphone system that you hide in a hollow in the floor of your garage. There are a number of books that will try to get you to cope with shyness - there's even <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch">an article floating around </a>that says introverts deserve your sympathy. As a person with a minor in behavioral psychology, I say, bullshit. Such people do not have "habits" and "routines" that they take "comfort" in, they have coping mechanisms that keep them from facing the icy blackness of their very souls.<br /><br />Just the other day, I ran into an introvert. I could tell her by her inability (sweaty palmed unwillingness?) to look me in the eye. I asked her to please excuse me. She said NOTHING. I sidled by, obviously seething. This is the introverts' brushoff. Allow me to make an aside: I am brilliant at reading facial expressions, voice-tone, and body language. This woman was very hungry, somewhat cold, and unable to go about everyday life without crippling anxiety. We should pity her, you say? WOULD YOU PITY HER AFTER SHE HAS CUT YOUR FACE OPEN WITH A POCKETKNIFE????<br /><br />With that in mind, I have crafted a chart of facial tics common to the introvert and have provided their iron-clad meanings. Look closely, young reader:<br /><br /><em>Looks like he or she is about to yawn, but doesn't.</em><br />CONFUSION. Do not make eye contact.<br /><br /><em>Yawns.<br /></em>TIRED. Do not touch above or below shoulders.<br /><br /><em>Pupils dilated.</em><br />AMENABLE. You may engage in light conversation.<br /><br /><em>Eyes half-closed.<br /></em>DIABETIC SHOCK (diabetics only). Force-feed Twix bar. Always carry a Twix bar.<br /><br /><em>Smiles.<br /></em>DIABOLICAL. Reveal no private information that the government doesn't already know.<br /><br /><em>Smiles and winks.</em><br />SLY. A Wes Anderson movie was just released, and (only) introverts love Wes Anderson movies.<br /><br /><em>Winks.<br /></em>AROUSED. A sexual encounter with an introvert is a rare occurence, spottily documented. From what we have conjectured, we can say that during the encounter, do not make eye contact, avoid small talk, and for GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT SUGGEST CHANGING POSITIONS. An introvert is a sedentary being, comfortable with not moving. They are prone to violence at the slightest inconvenience. Also BE ADVISED, during the encounter, the introvert will not move.<br /><br /><em>Nose twitches.</em><br />DISCONSOLATE. Introverts are prone to episodes of inconsolable depression and night terrors. THIS IS ONLY A PLOY FOR YOUR PITY. Because introverts are incapable of joy or love, those very Christian impulses of us normal extroverts, they must settle for pity and charity. AGAIN, they feed on the vulnerabilites of others. Would you hug a lost grizzly cub? Yes, you probably would. Would you do the same for an introvert? No, their fuzzy fur falls out soon after birth.<br /><br /><em>Eyes are crossed. </em><br />MISCHIEVOUS. If you live near an introvert, you've already been advised to get rid of all sharp objects. I HOPE YOU TOOK THIS ADVICE. Introverts, incapable of feeling anything close to empathy, get their kicks by inflicting severe emotional pain on others (unless they have a sharp object at their disposal, then they like to inflict severe physical pain). Due to their hominess and UNSTAUNCHED FEMININITY, introverts are incapable of operating heavy machinery. This is in our favor: As soon as you have distracted the introvert by playing The Songs of Leonard Cohen, RUN THEM DOWN WITH YOUR CAR. It doesn't count as vehicular manslaughter: THEY AREN'T REALLY MEN.<br /><br /><em>Claws gleam in the sun. </em><br />ALL IS WELL. No action needed. An introvert's claws are vestigial - most experts agree that they've forgotten they have them.<br /><br /><em>Eyes gleam in the sun. </em><br />MURDEROUS. It is foolish to assume that because the introvert's eyes have become useless from years spent in-doors they are not dangerous: Because in their burrows the refrigerator is right next to the privy, their sense of smell is stronger than a hundren men's sense of sight. Fed by their rage, the introverts can not be defeated in this state. Dress yourself in Lindberger cheese (it smells just like a massive privy to them), or they will sniff you out.JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-31102054216441924792008-12-03T10:31:00.003-06:002008-12-03T10:35:12.709-06:00Cleaning the MicrowaveCleaning a microwave is often a challenging task. To make it easier, try adding a little lemon juice to a mug full of water and then heat it up in the microwave (careful not to let it boil over). The steam that is created makes wiping bits of encrusted food away a breeze, and the lemon juice gives your kitchen a wonderfully pleasant aroma. Of course, always be sure to use microwave-safe objects.Tyleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05689593730059804031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-89777397162374548882008-11-25T13:37:00.006-06:002008-12-01T15:25:16.050-06:00A Pamphlet on Gay Marriage<strong>Who are the Gays?</strong><br /><br />The gays are a sea-dwelling people. They look just like you and me except for their pointy, elongated ears and the tiny wings sprouting from their ankles. While they may not be exactly human, they are human enough to fall under certain aspects of the Geneva Conventions. Not even recognized in the first convention of 1864, the Gays first won recognition in 1906, and are protected <em>"for the Amelioration of the Condition of Wounded, Sick and Shipwrecked Members of the Armed Forces at Sea." </em><br /><em></em><br /><strong>When did we go to War with the Gays? </strong><br /><strong></strong><br />It is open to interpretation. Some say the first salvo was fired (metaphorically speaking) in 1804, when a lover's spat that began off the Jersey coast exacerbated tensions between the Gays and residents of Wildwood, who frequently complained about the volume of the Gays' music and the tenor of their aggressive dancing. In the ensuing conflagration, Delaware was destroyed. Hundreds of children disappeared and were never heard from again. We can safely assume they were kidnapped and converted by the Gays. Things were quiet for another thirty years after until Andrew Jackson ordered his fool-hardy "March Into the Sea." We lost an entire battalion in under twenty minutes, and Jackson was rebuked by both houses of congress. Jackson was chastened, our armed forces soundly defeated by the tides. The Gays' martial dance music would go unheard until the early 1970s.<br /><br /><strong>What is a 'Boston Marriage'? </strong><br /><br />It is a Gay term for a (possibly apocryphal) torture technique still unknown to us "corn eaters." It is said that once the process is started, it cannot be reversed, and that only half-breeds have been known to survive it.<br /><br /><strong>Is the LGBT recognized as an official government? </strong><br /><strong></strong><br />Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and a number of less-significant principalities have given the LGBT government official status. The splinter GLBT group, however, is recognized by the United States, France, Great Britain, and Saudi Arabia as a terrorist organization.<br /><br /><strong>Who was responsible for the GLBT attack in Mexico City in 1986? </strong><br /><strong></strong><br />While it is widely assumed a group of mutant Gay landwalkers conceived of and executed the infamous "Semana Santa Bombings," no one has come forward to claim responsibility. One cattle farmer lost up to 70% of his livestock in the blasts.<br /><br /><strong>Why should I oppose Gay marriage? </strong><br /><strong></strong><br />While Gay marriage has little nominal effect on your day to day life, the fear is that recognizing the relationships of a group of people different from us will embolden them, leading them to storm our shores at once and subject us to their whims, for having us mate with cattle is as foreign a concept to them as their freakish, egalitarian mating ritual is to us.<br /><br /><strong>What can I do to oppose Gay marriage? </strong><br /><strong></strong><br />There really is no "wrong" answer to this question. Most important is to keep an eye out for landwalkers and half-breeds. You may notice that their pupils do not dilate in the dark, or that their finger nails grow at a slower pace than ours. Remember, landwalkers and half-breeds have all the strengths of Gays and none of their weaknesses, so they do not to rub salt on their skin in order to survive out of water and have strength of seven men. If you spot a landwalker or half-breed, DO NOT CONFRONT HIM. Rather, report him to the proper authorities and know you did a good and patriotic thing today.<br /><br /><strong></strong>JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-44095297079672615382008-11-24T09:38:00.002-06:002008-11-24T15:02:21.434-06:00A Formal Introduction and Biography of AshbyAshby has joined the blog. You can find him at various coffee shops in St. Louis, eternally writing his screenplay (an unauthorized live action version of Duck Tales), frequently laughing aloud at his own ideas. Say hi to him. But <strong>do not trust him</strong>: His is a blighted smile that betrays the many horrible things he has visited upon others. Also - keep a lead plate under your shirt. He can see right through your skin, and he sells information of your vitals to road agents.JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-69931254239162514602008-11-24T08:56:00.003-06:002008-11-24T09:28:06.667-06:00Giving the economy a handyI'm tired of the phrase "stimulating the economy" for a couple of reasons. 1) It's almost always ensconced in a larger conversation between douchebag pundits who are determined to disagree with one another in totally bloodless and uninteresting ways (seriously, let's introduce a "sharp knives" segment on Face The Nation). 2) It is perhaps the vaguest and most useless of phrases since gems like "Re-living the past," "You get what you pay for," and my personal favorite, "Ashby, you'd better not come home drunk and reeking of cigarettes again."<br /><br />I'll admit, that last one is a little more open to interpretation than the others.<br /><br />Two media outlets in England (home of the language that launched a million utterly useless graduate degrees) <a href="http://blog.wired.com/underwire/2008/11/oxford-research.html">recently compiled lists</a> of cliches that irk people most. While neither included the post-game interview staples "taking it one game at a time" or "just execute our game plan" that we see all the time here in the colonies, the list was mostly similar kinds of phrases - verbal shorthand for "I don't know exactly what to say here, so I will insert this combination of words that will deflect further interrogation."<br /><br />I propose that we do more than merely make a list of these phrases than annoy us. I mean, seriously, what's more pathetic than simply identiifyng aspects of language and culture you find particularly irksome and then raving on about them as if anyone cared about your opinion? You know, like some people do with their "weblogs." And since I know that the use of cliches is probably unavoidable, I propose that we simply invent some new ones that are at least a little more evocative and...um...visual.<br /><br />For starters, I nominate "Rubbing out the economic downturn with scrambled porn and 'jobs' programs."ashbyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03927821428104642754noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-60586350681331876162008-11-21T14:41:00.006-06:002008-12-15T00:23:06.270-06:00President's Friday: (Mostly) Arcane Methods of Naming Cabinet OfficialsWith all of the tempest surrounding the Obama administration's cabinet deliberation process, I thought it would be instructive to look back and note some of the more peculiar and (mostly) arcane methods that our Presidents have used.<br /><br /><strong>George Washington: </strong>Many of our presidents made the cabinet-picking process a competitive endeavor (see Abraham Lincoln for a particularly novel approach), and most historians agree that they wanted to follow what they felt was a precedent set by George Washington. Rather than having his potential cabinet members submit to the then-popular sport of hoop-rolling, Washington ingeniously tested his men at fox-hunting. Those who fared best were summarily executed, because fox-hunting was a British passtime. Only four men out of seventy remained: Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, Henry Knox and Edmund Randolph. They were quickly named, respectively, Secretary of State, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of War, and Attorney General. Due to personnel restrictions and then budgetary concerns, the office of Secretary of Homeland Security would remain unfilled for over two hundred years.<br /><br /><strong>Andrew Jackson: </strong>"Old Hickory" simply asked his potential cabinet members to outrun a bullet, fired by him. Consequently, Hamilton did not have a cabinet and thus simulataneously served as President, Vice President, Secretary of War, Indian-tamer, and man about town. He is said to be the first president to order an invasion of Florida in the morning and cut the ribbon at a Woolworth's in the afternoon.<br /><br /><strong>Abraham Lincoln: </strong>Infamous among his peers as a bellicose, lusty figure, Lincoln submitted his candidates to five-minute rounds of grease-wrestling. Those to best him won a cabinet position and his unending respect. Contrary to the popular notion, Lincoln's wasn't a team of rivals so much as a team-of-those-who-beat-Lincoln-at-grease-wrestling.<br /><br /><strong>Grover Cleveland: </strong>The immortal Phoenix, blazing red and gold in the afternoon sun, landed in Washington D.C. to witness Grover Cleveland's inauguration. It remains the last time the mythical bird was spotted in America. It flapped its monstrous wings and loosed a barrage of man-sized eggs from a pouch on its underside. Those hatchlings that the Phoenix didn't eat were named to Cleveland's cabinet.<br /><br /><strong>Theodore Roosevelt: </strong>Having inherited a cabinet from the assassinated President McKinley, Roosevelt was stuck. Daily he was plagued by drunken roustabouts clamoring to make currency out of spoken words and war with Missouri. He was lucky, then, to find that McKinley wagered and lost his entire cabinet in a game of poker to a mustache-twirling railroad tycoon. With McKinley's former cabinet now serving Wilmington Snarkworth Snedley and his dastardly sons, Roosevelt was free to name his own cabinet. Summarily, the starting lineup of the St. Louis Browns was named, collectively, Secretary of Labor.<br /><br /><strong>Jimmy Carter</strong>: Rendered insane by syphillis and lead poisoning, Carter named the most virile hogs from his pigfarm to cabinet. Snuffles, Carter's foul-tempered Tamworth swine (a trusted confidant from the early days), continued after Carter's ouster to serve as Secretary of the Interior, with distinction, under Ronald Reagan.<br /><br /><strong>George H.W. Bush (shadow government cabinet): </strong>Not much is known of Bush's shadow cabinet save codenames salvaged from a pile of cryptic letters meant to be burnt in 1989, but we think that Squarepusher was Secretary of 3rd World Insurgencies. Recent scholarship suggests that Squarepusher was indeed Chiquita Brands International CEO Carl Lindner, Jr.<br /><br />So what might we expect from an Obama cabinet? I'll leave it to fate's machinations. But let's not be surprised if his decisions are ruled by paranoia and jealousy, and if few of his cabinet members outlive the administration!JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-78153891798526275212008-11-19T18:08:00.000-06:002008-11-19T18:09:27.942-06:00Gifts for FriendsIf you have a friend who is sad about the course of his life, consider giving him some fresh cut flowers. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Fragrant</span> flowers work best.Tyleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05689593730059804031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-71282722145021556782008-11-19T13:34:00.007-06:002008-11-20T14:01:41.742-06:00WEDNESDAY CAT BLOGGING!!!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5AudqN04PuFgHu58Qg38K0wI3c9zh463_CuQVEdnWdYs4fcIaOcXQEQt91VEE0cvkCDM_waO1YlExVzdbEuyq8z6WCByq5uxbnMPnB7p2K4fiL8Mo1sM95etcKMDdLgFdCCKr0Q/s1600-h/worlds-fattest-cat%5B1%5D.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270455124409196466" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 250px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 212px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5AudqN04PuFgHu58Qg38K0wI3c9zh463_CuQVEdnWdYs4fcIaOcXQEQt91VEE0cvkCDM_waO1YlExVzdbEuyq8z6WCByq5uxbnMPnB7p2K4fiL8Mo1sM95etcKMDdLgFdCCKr0Q/s320/worlds-fattest-cat%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Hortense bravely wages his battle with diabetes. Noble.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270831695790575538" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 283px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji9cjaFC2acuX7EocshaV6z7ahAB1GTMacaQVTBtphMQtXnnB6QB6OhKb6NeQHQhqkfENJzeVGnzBPVT1lk_2AHmRxHGrpoLQzZDAeglaEjm0Jopvhnrr-RT9SScb8KPBmqm5PJA/s320/Petunia+chicken+foot" border="0" /><br /><br />Petunia eats a chicken foot she found in the drainage ditch. Yum!<br /><br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270826391221541474" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 186px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdsL6HR2WhWN2O9zUPQ7ffM3UONJMKCMkx8GBmHH-L7_9qwDOm4eIYdJofxIglFQ7V-6RqX4-g1xLMTWQZH3y-jqKPAzd652xzY4lXYiV4xCJiFqReUPk-xETm0y8KbK-wnQ05EA/s320/Petunia.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br />And what is this kitty up to??? Adorable.JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11758197.post-84376907478620421832008-11-18T23:08:00.007-06:002008-11-18T23:25:14.582-06:00A Formal Introduction and Biography of Tyler<span style="color:#000000;">As I wrote before, Tyler is writing for the blog now, under the monikor "Tyles". For those who don't know, Tyler was a diver at Phillips Exeter in prep school and played water polo collegiately as well. He suffers from claustrophobia, the fear of enclosed spaces. He has a nearly eidetic memory and phenomenal problem-solving talents.<br /><br />As an expert in religious iconology and symbology, Tyler was once invited to give a lecture in Paris, where he made an appointment to meet with Jacques Sauniere, curator of the Louvre. Before he could go to the meeting, he was startled to find the Paris police at his hotel room door. They informed that, unfortunately, Sauniere had been murdered. Tyler's expertise was requested at the scene of the crime, but unknown to him, he was a prime suspect.<br /><br />While he was in the Louvre, Tyler met Sophie, a young Cryptologist from the DCPJ. When he and Sophie got the chance to talk in private, he found out that Jacques Saunière was her grandfather. Saunière instructed Sophie to 'Find Tyles', according to the message he left for her in the floor, therefore, Sophie believed (correctly, it turns out) that Tyler was innocent of her grandfather's murder.<br /><br />He spent the better part of a month dodging the police and his traitorous friend, Leigh Teabing (played by Sir Ian MacKellan), trying to solve the mystery of a secret ancient society which was led by Leonardo da Vinci himself, the Priory of Sion. In the end, Tyler uncovered the mystery behind Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail. Fortuitously, he discovered he'd been in love with Sophie all along.<br /><br />You can uncover more of Tyler's cryptological exploits</span> <a href="http://www.robertlangdon.com/">here</a>.JoePohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245420199096968458noreply@blogger.com2