Friday, July 20, 2007

In a comment on my previous post, my friend Ashby asks, "Michael Bay vs. Carlos Mencia in a cage match to the death - who wins? More importantly, who do you want to win? Also, no mutually assured destruction, you fucking cheater."

I tried to write the fight from the perspective of both Bay and Mencia, but it hurt my brain too much. Of course, Bay would have been played by Will Smith, whose catch phrase would have been "I'ma blow this out." And his motivation would be revealed by a soft-lit flashback to when he was a kid, fishing with his father, Jon Voight. The father would have made a turgid metaphor about only going after big fish. Then, he'd die in a poorly choreographed gale. Bay would then smooth talk his way, with trite dialog and endless cliches, into the Hollywood big time, and then an arbitrary plot device would have him challenging Mencia to a death match. Of course, this Mencia would not be the Mencia we know, but just as big a stereotype. He'd be a Bay Stereotype, which means he'd speak predominantly Spanish (though I don't think the real Mencia actually knows any Spanish outside of 'Puta' and 'Cabron'), have a mother with an outsized personality who calls him at all hours of the day, but much like the real Mencia, he'd make flaccid jokes about jumping fences and working shit jobs. Whenever someone asks a philosophical question, our Bayian-Mencia says, "Hey, don't look at me, Holmes. I'm Mexican." I'm not even interested in how the fight would go. As with any Bay action sequence, the camera would be so fucking shaky that you couldn't make shit out, there would be moments of levity shoe-horned into supposedly tense moments, and the PG-13 ending would have a victorious Bay walking out of the ring, bloodied but unbeaten, with a smart-talkin', smokin'-hot, nameless starlet.

I couldn't think of anything for Mencia's version - other than it would be cribbed from any number of lesser-known Los Angeles comedians and he would make a number of jokes about how Mexicans are dumb, lazy, superstitious, gullible, and loathsome.


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