Where to go for my birthday

The Arch

I haven't been here since I was maybe ten, maybe younger than that. You can see all of St. Louis from here. It is the site of a field trip I went on in second grade where I ate the greatest peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever. The mullet-length-to-chest-hair-volume ratio is stratospheric. But the lobby is really depressing, so no.

Movie at the Tivoli

I'd go here, but my accompaniship - let's call her Lesbos (the mythical island itself, not the people) - is keen on getting hammered and hitting on fuzzy-chinned hipsters and homeless people. Also, I've seen enough British spoofs of horror movies.

Budweiser Brewery Tour

My accompaniship is also keen on getting hammered and hitting on tour guides.

Employment Register

Yeah, like if I want to fucking kill myself on my birthday.

Miniature Golfing

This sounds like a great idea, but I'm like weekend warriors everywhere - I go 36 holes or not at all. Also a good friend of mine's motto for Pride Week.

Borders

In which my accompaniship gets me a bunch of dirty magazines and we make sure to get rung up by the youngest, most innocent looking person there. Or oldest.

Walgreen's

We don't buy anything, we just look at what we'd really like if we had the money and then we imagine what it would be like if we had it!!!

Felching

I know what you're thinking: Disgusting, right? No, this is another kind of felching - we have our friend Dave Felch hide, and then the person who finds him... well, they... Okay, it's pretty much the same thing as what you might have thought. If you're John Waters.

KFC

We'll eat one of those bowls with the cheese, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and fried chicken, and then have a licensed professional jam a syringe of adrenaline straight into our hearts.