And so

Becoming Jane. This is how a generation of Americans will envision Jane Austen and her novels. Maybe I'm giving too much credit to the movie and the effect it will have, but there is no doubting that the recent adaptations of Austen's novels have led a number of people to assume that she was a romance writer. I can't imagine how she'd feel about this shit. In light of this, I have a few more suggestions for new non-biopic biopics.

Melville

Watch! this striking man's man sail the seven seas, seducing vixens from far-off lands! Laugh! as he humorously attempts to negotiate with the machinations of crude pygmy natives! Swoon! as he romances leggy smart-talking street urchin Elizabeth Shaw, as young Herman tries to transform her into a lady befitting literary royalty! Cry! when he dies at the height of his popularity, his legacy ensured!

Swift's Travels

Foppish dandy Jonathan Swift minces his way through young adulthood, laughing at the travails of the poor Irish savages he trips over in his drunken revels until one day, he watches a widowed Irish commoner struggle to carry two children and a satchel of potatoes home. Heroically, he relieves her of her carriage, and vows to make the causes of the native Irish his own by writing foppish, dandified satires that cause the British royalty to spit out their tea and grab onto their powdered their wigs as they shout, "Wha-wha-whaaaaa?!"

The Updike Chronicles

Follow hard-drinking, foul-mouthed, wife-beating John Updike as he terrorizes a small New England town, fucking his way through swinger's parties and gangbangs, feeling up waitresses, forcing his harried wives to get abortions, screwing his best friend's best girl. Not for the faint of heart.


Ralph

Light-hearted Afro-American Ralph Ellison loves to poke fun at the man, play jazz, and write densely symbolic stories. Join us as he overcomes a troubled youth and learns to get that chip off his shoulder, because a sound mind is the source of all creativity. He taunts whitey, barges his way into the white canasta club and charms the locals with his whimsical sense of humor and wins the heart of the country club set. Why did he never publish another novel in his lifetime? He was brow-beaten by his cold-hearted wife, who never understood the pain underneath all the laughter. You'll laugh and you'll cry, and you'll likely never question what's on screen because you could give a shit about American literature.