Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Unedited fictional transcript of Joe Scarborough and Chris Matthews

Joe Scarborough: You know what really irks your regular guys, your regular Joe who likes a cold beer at the end of a long work day? Barack Obama reads books. Lots of them. Literature. Regular Americans - everyday Americans don't like complex stories with multiple arcs and unsympathetic main characters. They like a good fable, probably something with a grain of truth, something where an exotic, possibly effeminate villain gets eviscerated, something you can tell around the camp fire while you drunkenly wax your pud with other non-ethnic white people. You know, normal people.

Chris Matthews: Oh, absolutely. You know, when I was working for Tip O'Neill, I had to take a second job, and I worked security with this old - this Irish-American veteran and he - he didn't like two things: books and darkies. I think if you're going to run for president in Amurricah, you've gotta appeal to the normal man on his level, you know, caked in shit, drunk, abusive, malevolent towards anyone different from you. You've gotta display their ignorance of anything outside their very white, very narrow worldview. If you betray a knowledge of the wider world, you know, you're done for! That's it! And you have to distrust the darkies. Obama - I love the guy, I love the way he talks, but he just, Joe, he likes the darkies. You used to be a congressman, Florida 1st district, so you know what I mean.

JS: My first day in congress, Henry Hyde walks up to me and says one thing: "Quote Ulysses and I will fuck you in the ass." And he just walks away, just like that. That's one of those [laughs] one of those lessons that stays with you, it's a real life lesson. And I think that's true wherever you go.

CM: [laughs] That's one of those great stories that just kind of floats around the Potomac, isn't it? Go to the Lincoln Memorial late at night, no one there, you might here that story echoing around. Here's a little known thing about Ronald Reagan, one of - the finest - the finest politician since maybe, I don't know, Teddy Roosevelt, maybe stretching back before that. Reagan was actually a three-foot tall Asian man. And you'd never know it! When I met him, when he was inaugurated, I turned to one of Teddy Kennedy's aides, and I say, "What's different about this guy?" And Kennedy's guy, he says, I mean it was perfect - you wanna talk about one of the great lines - he says, "Chris, he's a three foot tall Asian man who talks like a WASP from northern Illinois and lived a life without any struggle in Hollywood, but he throws a bone like some morning in America bullshit to keep people thinking he's like them." And I thought that's it! That's what a great politician does. He cares about the normal guy, the little guy, the guy who tried out modern art in 1974 but thought it was gaudy and pointless and swore off art altogether until they started making those magic eye things a few years back. You remember those?

JS: Those were great. And those collages of pictures that mix together to look like Yoda.

CM: One of the great inventions of the post-Cold War era. Man, we're on a memory trip here on MSNBC.


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