Looking Back at the 2004 Election

This will not be a substantive post. In fact, it's pretty low in content. I was just thinking about how after the '04 election, a friend of mine forwarded an e-mail to me and a bunch of other people mocking us for voting for Kerry and that if we wanted to move to another country, they'd be sponsoring a ship to Iraq and Guantanamo. It was very sophisticated, as you may see, which is why it's totally worth remarking upon now.

Actually, it sort of is, because I wish I had that list of people in the e-mail trail so I could blast one out to everyone that said: For those of you who voted for Bush in 2004, why don't you just sit this one out.* The country isn't going anywhere, we'll still be here when you've proven you're ready to vote again. Just not this year. Likely, you'll find this unfair. You'll claim it's your right as an American citizen with only one or two DUIs under your belt to be able to vote for whomever you please. You're right, I'm not forcing you to do anything. But I am suggesting that you sit this one out. That's all, I'm only suggesting.

As we all know, many of you had pledged to join the war effort after 9/11. While you may well be doing so in your role at Enterprise Rent-A-Car or some corporate law firm or grad school, I would just like to gently remind you of the pledge you made, and I'd also like to remind you that time is not up. In fact, with the surge drawing down, there are a number of openings over there. I'm sure the soldiers over there would love to hear all of your theories about how America needs to build democracies in arbitrarily-organized sectarian cesspools. It's true that many of you are interested in voting for Barack Obama this year. While I commend you for your newfound good taste, I'll have to speak for the Obama campaign here and say no. We don't need you and we don't particularly want you. We kind of see you as the kid with ADHD in the AP class. How you got here, we have no idea, but we find your spazz-outs and inability to follow directions annoying and kind of wish the teacher would just you show the door. Either way, with or without you, we have a bright future. We just wish it didn't immediately include you. We're sure you're very nice, particularly when you're on your meds. But we'd really just rather not put up with you. I'm sure you'll be fine, and you'll talk yourself into believing in '16 that Jindal really is just a moderate who says extremist things just to placate his base. And for that person out there who is now practicing law in Boston, I believe, you who voted for Nader in '00 and Bush in '04, just... what happened? I guess it's par for the course that you magically became a Red Sox fan in that '04 World Series season, so that must have been very gratifying, but... You should have known better, and I can't help but feel you owe me and the rest of us an apology for your awful, awful judgment.

In closing, for those of you planning on coming to an Obama rally in the general, please don't. Sex and the City will be out on DVD by then, so you can watch that instead and pretend to be all witty and urbane and say things with an ironic tone of voice even when what you're saying isn't in the least ironic. It's very classy. I'll even pour an Appletini for you, just please, stay the fuck away from our candidate.

*Does not apply to my friend Jason, because he is righteous.