Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Pamphlet on Gay Marriage

Who are the Gays?

The gays are a sea-dwelling people. They look just like you and me except for their pointy, elongated ears and the tiny wings sprouting from their ankles. While they may not be exactly human, they are human enough to fall under certain aspects of the Geneva Conventions. Not even recognized in the first convention of 1864, the Gays first won recognition in 1906, and are protected "for the Amelioration of the Condition of Wounded, Sick and Shipwrecked Members of the Armed Forces at Sea."

When did we go to War with the Gays?

It is open to interpretation. Some say the first salvo was fired (metaphorically speaking) in 1804, when a lover's spat that began off the Jersey coast exacerbated tensions between the Gays and residents of Wildwood, who frequently complained about the volume of the Gays' music and the tenor of their aggressive dancing. In the ensuing conflagration, Delaware was destroyed. Hundreds of children disappeared and were never heard from again. We can safely assume they were kidnapped and converted by the Gays. Things were quiet for another thirty years after until Andrew Jackson ordered his fool-hardy "March Into the Sea." We lost an entire battalion in under twenty minutes, and Jackson was rebuked by both houses of congress. Jackson was chastened, our armed forces soundly defeated by the tides. The Gays' martial dance music would go unheard until the early 1970s.

What is a 'Boston Marriage'?

It is a Gay term for a (possibly apocryphal) torture technique still unknown to us "corn eaters." It is said that once the process is started, it cannot be reversed, and that only half-breeds have been known to survive it.

Is the LGBT recognized as an official government?

Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and a number of less-significant principalities have given the LGBT government official status. The splinter GLBT group, however, is recognized by the United States, France, Great Britain, and Saudi Arabia as a terrorist organization.

Who was responsible for the GLBT attack in Mexico City in 1986?

While it is widely assumed a group of mutant Gay landwalkers conceived of and executed the infamous "Semana Santa Bombings," no one has come forward to claim responsibility. One cattle farmer lost up to 70% of his livestock in the blasts.

Why should I oppose Gay marriage?

While Gay marriage has little nominal effect on your day to day life, the fear is that recognizing the relationships of a group of people different from us will embolden them, leading them to storm our shores at once and subject us to their whims, for having us mate with cattle is as foreign a concept to them as their freakish, egalitarian mating ritual is to us.

What can I do to oppose Gay marriage?

There really is no "wrong" answer to this question. Most important is to keep an eye out for landwalkers and half-breeds. You may notice that their pupils do not dilate in the dark, or that their finger nails grow at a slower pace than ours. Remember, landwalkers and half-breeds have all the strengths of Gays and none of their weaknesses, so they do not to rub salt on their skin in order to survive out of water and have strength of seven men. If you spot a landwalker or half-breed, DO NOT CONFRONT HIM. Rather, report him to the proper authorities and know you did a good and patriotic thing today.


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