I Had a Dream

And it was wonderful. I was talking to Glenn Beck, and I called him a "horrible twat." He didn't know what to say to that. Joe - 1, Reality - 0.

My friend Chris is picking up his Oregonese girlfriend at the airport today, and my friend Ashby is going to England with his charming wife. My friend Joe might be pistol-whipping one of his parolees, I'm not sure. All of this is to say that the ole' therapist has strongly suggested I go out and do things so I actually have real things to fictionalize (as opposed to fake things to fictionalize), and I'm watching two college football games as I clean the basement for our VFW Hall-themed Thanksgiving.

I'm trying to find the transcript, but I haven't been able to so far - but yesterday, O'Reilly was interviewing Geraldo (which is always hilarious, because they kiss each other's ass). They were talking about how disgusting this OJ interview thing is (I think they both went to the Jim Rome school of taking an easily defendable hard line on a spurious issue), and they got into talking about Geraldo's interview with Chuck Manson, where Geraldo defended himself by saying, "I had a serious journalistic intent," and that after he got the necessary information, he let Manson have it. Nice to know that Geraldo is part of some secretive media Junta. Then, hilariously, O'Reilly said, "Yeah, I do the same thing. When I interview a scumbag, I get the necessary information from them, and then I let them have it." It was like watching two kids with yellow-belts in karate talk about their skills.

Other admissions from the O'Reilly-Rivera jackfest

- "When I get a jar of peanut butter, I get all of the peanut butter I can out of it, and then I throw the jar away." (O'Reilly)

-"When I masturbate, I have a thumb up my ass, but I wait until I really get into it, and then I let that rectum have it." (Rivera)

-"Hitler was evil, okay? And I know that some people out there want to defend him, but you just can NOT do it (points at camera), okay? It's just indefensible." (O'Reilly)

-"Who caters here? I love these salami rolls." (Rivera, commercial break)

-"Have you read "The Giver"? It's a wonderful book." (O'Reilly)

-"I'm writing a novel. It's about a reporter who gets into a love affair with a gorgeous Kenyan, and he gets dragged into the blood-diamond wars. Have you ever seen a black woman's vagina, Bill? It's like purple licorice." (Rivera)

I know; I was disgusted, too.