Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Don't Be Shy!

Shyness is a personal flaw, just as shameful as clown masturbation or as harmful as spying on your neighbors with a telescope and microphone system that you hide in a hollow in the floor of your garage. There are a number of books that will try to get you to cope with shyness - there's even an article floating around that says introverts deserve your sympathy. As a person with a minor in behavioral psychology, I say, bullshit. Such people do not have "habits" and "routines" that they take "comfort" in, they have coping mechanisms that keep them from facing the icy blackness of their very souls.

Just the other day, I ran into an introvert. I could tell her by her inability (sweaty palmed unwillingness?) to look me in the eye. I asked her to please excuse me. She said NOTHING. I sidled by, obviously seething. This is the introverts' brushoff. Allow me to make an aside: I am brilliant at reading facial expressions, voice-tone, and body language. This woman was very hungry, somewhat cold, and unable to go about everyday life without crippling anxiety. We should pity her, you say? WOULD YOU PITY HER AFTER SHE HAS CUT YOUR FACE OPEN WITH A POCKETKNIFE????

With that in mind, I have crafted a chart of facial tics common to the introvert and have provided their iron-clad meanings. Look closely, young reader:

Looks like he or she is about to yawn, but doesn't.
CONFUSION. Do not make eye contact.

TIRED. Do not touch above or below shoulders.

Pupils dilated.
AMENABLE. You may engage in light conversation.

Eyes half-closed.
DIABETIC SHOCK (diabetics only). Force-feed Twix bar. Always carry a Twix bar.

DIABOLICAL. Reveal no private information that the government doesn't already know.

Smiles and winks.
SLY. A Wes Anderson movie was just released, and (only) introverts love Wes Anderson movies.

AROUSED. A sexual encounter with an introvert is a rare occurence, spottily documented. From what we have conjectured, we can say that during the encounter, do not make eye contact, avoid small talk, and for GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT SUGGEST CHANGING POSITIONS. An introvert is a sedentary being, comfortable with not moving. They are prone to violence at the slightest inconvenience. Also BE ADVISED, during the encounter, the introvert will not move.

Nose twitches.
DISCONSOLATE. Introverts are prone to episodes of inconsolable depression and night terrors. THIS IS ONLY A PLOY FOR YOUR PITY. Because introverts are incapable of joy or love, those very Christian impulses of us normal extroverts, they must settle for pity and charity. AGAIN, they feed on the vulnerabilites of others. Would you hug a lost grizzly cub? Yes, you probably would. Would you do the same for an introvert? No, their fuzzy fur falls out soon after birth.

Eyes are crossed.
MISCHIEVOUS. If you live near an introvert, you've already been advised to get rid of all sharp objects. I HOPE YOU TOOK THIS ADVICE. Introverts, incapable of feeling anything close to empathy, get their kicks by inflicting severe emotional pain on others (unless they have a sharp object at their disposal, then they like to inflict severe physical pain). Due to their hominess and UNSTAUNCHED FEMININITY, introverts are incapable of operating heavy machinery. This is in our favor: As soon as you have distracted the introvert by playing The Songs of Leonard Cohen, RUN THEM DOWN WITH YOUR CAR. It doesn't count as vehicular manslaughter: THEY AREN'T REALLY MEN.

Claws gleam in the sun.
ALL IS WELL. No action needed. An introvert's claws are vestigial - most experts agree that they've forgotten they have them.

Eyes gleam in the sun.
MURDEROUS. It is foolish to assume that because the introvert's eyes have become useless from years spent in-doors they are not dangerous: Because in their burrows the refrigerator is right next to the privy, their sense of smell is stronger than a hundren men's sense of sight. Fed by their rage, the introverts can not be defeated in this state. Dress yourself in Lindberger cheese (it smells just like a massive privy to them), or they will sniff you out.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if someone shoots me in the kneecap and then kisses me on the lips? How am I supposed to decipher these kinds of mixed messages?

Also, do you have any suggestions for heartburn?

12/16/2008 10:54 AM  
Blogger JoePo said...

If you experience heart burn, elevate your limbs, all of them, immediately. Some philistines and quack doctors suggest taking milk of magnesium, but, while this offers temporary relief, it only masks the true problem: You have wronged a member of the clergy and they have resorted to their Roman witchcraft to seek restitution. Make amends immediately, or suffer from mild to considerable chest discomfort for the rest of your life, or at least through the weekend.

Also, do not eat foods with marinara sauce.

As to your first question, you are dealing with an expert hunter who has depth perception issues. The best advice I can give you is to invest in a megaphone.

12/16/2008 5:06 PM  

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