Friday, March 31, 2006


I need to start working out again, or I'm going to look like Phil Mickelson's man-breasts for the rest of my life. Like, my entire body will look like his man-breasts. Then I'll start taking stupid chances like hitting on a smoking hot girl whose not-as-attractive-but-still-attractive friend is interested in me, and then I'll go home alone to weep. Always the weeping.

So I'll go to the gym. Then I'll start doing the bench-press, and I'll struggle with the last set or something, and this meat-head with good intentions will notice it, stop whatever he's doing, and stand next to me yelling "COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT! FUCK YEAH!" Then I'll finish the sit and he'll want to give me a high-five.

I'm not going to go to the gym.

Monday, March 27, 2006

John Henson, Where Have You Gone?

Or what have you done?

Remember when John Henson was the host of Talk Soup, back when it was funny, back when it wasn't just called the Soup and some obnoxious, snide commercial actor wasn't hosting it? Now, perhaps the show wasn't as funny as I remember, as I was a teenager when it was on, and teenagers are stupid. But as I recall, it had some merit, comedically. The thing was that for all of his jokes, people behind the camera laughed. Not a studio audience, but the actual crew. It was funny though, because what he said was really funny, and if memory serves, they didn't really laugh at the jokes that bombed. And some of the guys on the crew had a personality on the show, and they'd show up on some of the skits. But now, the laughing crew seems to have become a mainstay on a few cable shows. Notably, the Soup. I think they actually ripped this off Henson's show on SpikeTV, you know the one that lasted about a week? He was painfully unfunny on that show, but he had the crew behind the camera in stitches all the time. Irritating. Now they have the same thing on the Soup, which makes it unbearable to watch, and Henson is STILL doing it on the TV Guide channel. He even seemed embarrassed, because there was like one person going ballistic no matter what he said - kind of like in a high school stage comedy, the director or something will sit in the crowd and laugh at every punchline, to encourage the audience or something - and he actually called her out on it. Poor bastard. Even Olbermann's getting in on the act. Disappointing. This needs to end. Unless Bill O'Reilly picks this trend up, then the market for bizarre, thinly-veiled sexual conservative humor will go through the roof, and I'll be cheering it on the entire way. Whenever O'Reilly attempts humor on his radio show, or more infrequently, his tv show, it inevitably picks up sexual innuendo, and is just cringe-inducing. Outstanding. Like whenever he sexually harrasses his co-host.

Oh, and Nora Ephron? No one gives a fuck what you think.

Saturday, March 18, 2006


I don't really know how big the Arctic Monkeys are in the U.S. yet, but they're huge in Britain (was it the NME who had them at #5 of all-time greatest debut albums?), and I've heard them already used for sports montages. I got their CD a few weeks ago... the hype is pretty baffling. A few stateside mags gave them perfect scores, citing the honest way they portray the Briton youth. Well, then why aren't the Streets getting much, much more hype? At least Mike Skinner would have earned it. I actually think he's more talented than Eminem. There was something non-PC almost about saying Eminem was overrated when I was in college. And I'll say this - misgyny as it's portrayed in Fellini's 8 1/2, that's artistic. Misogyny in Eminem's songs, that's just misogyny. And ham-handed at that. Anyway, the Monkeys, yeah they're fine I guess. I actually find their first single, I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor irritating. The first song on the LP, though, fares a bit better. If the Strokes are no better than Velvet Underground/Iggy and the Stooges revivalists, then the Monkeys are no more than Strokes-Circa-2001 revivalists.
I downloaded a few MP3's off from the likes of Neko Case, Destroyer, Film School, Excepter, the Editors, Eels (live), and a few others. I was blown away by Neko and Destroyer, both whose songs are off their new albums. I was pleasantly surprised by Destroyer, I just find Dan Bejar's voice (presence?) irritating in the New Pornographers' albums. It was not grating at all on "Destroyer's Rubies." Editors and Film School? They just sounded like Coldplay-like anthemists, and Coldplay anthems have nothing to them. Eels was just a live version of Bus Stop Boxer, which is an okay track off of the Souljacker album. Live, E. sounded listless and tired, which makes for a completely uninteresting song, even if it does deliver the strings promised on the live album title.

The only album I've gotten so far this year that is A+ material no matter what track you play is Love Is All, "Nine Times That Same Song." Thank God someone's making use of the saxophone. It gives just a hint of the Madness-type ska coming out of Britain in the 80s. Biggest disappointment? SunO))). Of course I should have known their M.O. going in, but it was boring, droning, black rock.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Some Thoughts

Quick, place the over-under on someone in my writing workshop having a manuscript in which a black character says something like "quiet-like."

It was 80 degrees yesterday at this point. It was 20 degrees when I went to bed. I hate that about March. I'm waiting for Greg Gutfield to call me "liberal pussy." I would then shoot back with "Maxim writer." And I would win.

Holy shit Chris Matthews just made another unquantifiable value judgment like "he is a great man" in order to end debate over the guy's policies.

Do Bill O'Reilly viewers watch Talking Points the way an infant gazes upon a mobile?

Paul Begala is so far up the Democratic Party's ass, his head looks like a donkey. Not like, a donkey head, or a head with ears and giant teeth, but a whole donkey. I ripped off Homestarrunner for that, but no one reads this anyway.

Is David Berman Jewish? Seriously, I'm asking.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

What a douche bag

From Think Progress: Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) responded this morning to Sen. Russ Feingold’s call to censure President Bush over his warrantless spying program. Frist condemned the censure for “the signal that it sends that there is in any way a lack of support” for President Bush, and said he was “hoping deep inside that the leadership in Iran…[was] not listening.”

You know who Frist most reminds me of? The president on 24. I can just see Frist at the breakfast table and his wife asks him if he wants eggs or pancakes, and he stares back at her with tremendous angst, looks towards his closest aide, asks him what he should have, and the aide says, "With all due respect Mr. Frist, you are the Senate Majority Leader. It is and must be your decision."

Then Frist says, "You're right, Mike, thank you." And then he leaves without eating.


I was looking over some of the comments here and saw some automated comment that some writers apparently use to get more traffic at their sites. It said he/she found my site "inquisitive." Clearly he had not read anything here. I wonder if this same message appears on sites set up by thirteen year old girls talking about the black eyed peas. Jesus Christ they suck. Although I do find that Verizon commercial with the woman dancing militantly to a remix of that shitty Lumps song (there was enough material there to cobble together a remix?) oddly alluring. And I think the people who work for Breast Cancer Awareness should issue a statement about how wrong it is to sexualize a horrible disease. I also saw that McDonald's commercial where those business guys do meaningless small talk and then one of them asks him about his Micky D's sandwich, which starts this spontaneous - albeit benign yet strangely feminine - outburst of how great it is. Then the guy realizes his mistake and goes back to small talk. Thank you, McDonald's, for advertising how meaningless you think our daily plight is and should be.

You know what? Even though I'm one person posting on a site that no one really reads but Pete - hey, Pete - I'm going to start referring to myself in the royal We, like Gawker does, because it has the force of opinion behind it. Thusly, when I say, "We get an erection watching Cirque de Soliel commercials," you think this is a) a trend and b) something you might consider.

We're going to be a teaching assistant for a 100 level class next year. We hope we don't get slapped with a sexual harrassment lawsuit, because we'll be paying out our asses. But that's what we'll get for spotting that DV Camera on the dresser at that most compromising moment.